


Romantic Fiction

by f_imaginings



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: M/M, and a fictional buff sex object character is named some variation of hulio or ricardo, blatant derision for romance novel tired tropes, yet more fun is poked at quadro romance novels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 11:55:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2651123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f_imaginings/pseuds/f_imaginings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kankri reads one of Karkat's favourite romance novels out loud, to Karkat's displeasure, and they both ponder the complexities of the fabled seven inch bulge bologna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romantic Fiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lactoria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lactoria/gifts).



"It swiftly becomes scintillating, the slow and sensuous slick slide of hand against flesh."

There was something very wrong with this picture.

"Tension mounting, Hulhio straddles the tumescent member, eagerly licking his lips."

Karkat kneaded his knuckles against his forehead, his face red and heated, and attempting to disappear into the puffy collar of his turtleneck apparently. His eyes sent endless daggers of loathing at his sardonic partner as pristine celibate lips parted to detail sordid page after page.

He had no right.

"The swarthy blue blood beneath him hissed spite steadily, as sweaty palms came up to grasp Hulhio’s hair in vicious tugs. Hulhio tossed his head back, revelling in the bitter sting, and thrust against the seven inch - seven inches? Really! Seven inch bulge bologna before him."

"Stop it! Just stop it. You’re reading it wrong." Karkat scowled, arms swiping to relieve Kankri of the book. The bastard held it above his head, out of Karkat’s reach and pushed him away with a socked foot against his chest.

"I read it wrong, but it’s ‘oh so right’." Kankri’s expression was pure evil. Smug supercilious and sly all at once. He looked far too amused by Karkat’s standards.

"Shut up!"

"I don’t think there is a right way to read it really, unless it’s huddled furtively in your respiteblock, hiding your shame within the pages of the paperback, praying that no one knows your dirty little secret." He took almost a vicious pleasure in emphasising each word with a shove from his foot. Angrily, Karkat pushed Kankri’s foot off his chest and clambered between his legs, trying to claw the book away from him.

"There is a right way to read it, but not by you. Give it back!"

A rather wrigglerish wrestle ensued in which Kankri used his lanky frame to his advantage, holding the book out of Karkat’s reach, pushing the young troll away by the horn, frantically trying to finish the sentence.

"Rigado’s hate rod vaulted into Hulhio, pistoning rhythmically, a punishing pace - ow - welcomed eagerly by Hulhio’s luscious noo- no biting! Back, before I hit you with gyrating fictional characters!"

"Augh! You are fucking awful!!!" Karkat finally managed to assume the upper hand, clambering on top of Kankri, pinning his arm to the couch.

"Don’t you want to see how it ends?"

"I know how it ends dipshit, that’s my favourite book you’re butchering."

Kankri wriggled, trying to usurp Karkat’s position of power. “But I want to see if Rigado hungers for the bulge bologna.” He was clearly laughing now, whereas before he had managed to stifle his derision out of respect for Karkat’s passions.

Karkat growled and squeezed Kankri’s wrist threateningly, his other hand fisted in the fabric of Kankri’s red sweater. Kankri responded by moving the hand that squished Karkat’s cheeks flat, down to his shoulder, pulling him close now, rather than pushing him back.

"You think romance is a joke?" Karkat snarled.

"Do you?" Kankri shook the book, frowning in confusion at Karkat. "None of this is romantic."

"It’s passion! They’re in hate. It’s all kinds of romantic you emotionally stunted fucker."

"Do you want a relationship like this? They hardly speak two words to each other, they’re -" Kankri seemed incredibly indignant, spluttering. "Two dimensional! It’s like they haven’t got a single pan cell between them."

"Kankri. Kankri. Shut up." Karkat sighed and his hand released Kankri’s sweater somewhat, no longer balling the fabric up with his fingers.

"And another thing! They- mmmnph?"

Karkat pressed his lips firmly to Kankri’s, silencing him first, before softening the kiss, sweetly, generously. Kankri was surprised at first, but responded to the sensation, his eyes lidding as he kissed Karkat back, sucking on his lower lip, scraping his teeth along the soft flesh. Their tongues met, and it was a smooth slide, sensation electric. They lay piled on top of each other, kissing, for some time.

Karkat pulled away first, licking his lips, and resting his forehead against Kankri’s.

"It’s just a story dumb dumb. Calm down for once."

"Wha- I am calm." Kankri blinked up at Karkat. "I’m calm."

"Pfft." Karkat scoffed before he rearranged, looping his arms around Kankri’s neck affectionately. "I don’t want a Hulhio. Or a Rigado. Moron."

"Then why-?"

"I read those books for fun, doofus. They’re fantasy. It’s not about what the words say, it’s how they’re placed and what they mean." Karkat shrugged. "Sure, they’re exciting. They rile me up a little. NOT when you read them out loud, that was excruciating. Don’t ever do that again."

"Yes, well. Alright." Kankri had the decency to look somewhat abashed. "I do hope you know that I can’t exactly ‘romance’ you like they do in those books. I’m not - I mean-"

"Shhh." Karkat put his hand over Kankri’s mouth lightly. "Shut up. I know, idiot. I don’t expect you to and I wouldn’t want your bulge bologna anyway."

Kankri grimaced, but then laughed. “Bulge bologna.”

"Okay so maybe that’s a little bit awful."

"Extra a-spicy bulge bologna."

"You can shut up now."

"You so want my bulge bologna. Don’t lie. You hunger." Kankri’s eyes glinted gleeful again and Karkat rolled his eyes and groaned.

"God, stop."

"Sign up to my bologna deli, I will make you a member."

"I will smother you with this pillow."

"I think I saw the phrase ‘thick meat sandwich’ in chapter two - ow!"

Some literary criticism  _should_  be served with a side helping of pain.


End file.
